miss you
3 June
Me
to Clara
BIG HUGS FROM SEOUL XX
i've just looked at the clock on my computer and if it is 11:00 here (which it is), it's 3:00 for you, so i hope you are having the sweetest of dreams.
i miss you heaps. it's really bad for me, the depression, the anxiety, when we are apart, but i know you cannot always be there for me, but really. no one feels like you do in the middle of the night when the insomnia is bad, the thoughts dark and the fears real. i am so grateful for you and i know, i know, i know you didn't sign up for this when we became friends.
cla, i know people tell you you're dim, but you're not. you're the brightest spark in any room. i don't know what i'd be without you.
anyway, i think you can tell i'm having a bad run of it today. i took too much coke last night to chance taking a valium. but then it's probably the coke causing this. good decisions and forward planning are my forte. if you need any evidence of my excellence in life decisions, just look to francis lyon.
maybe he'll cast me in his next film, though? 😋😋😋
and then i can work with david o'russell and michael bay and complete the hat trick of abusive directors!! god, imagine doing a michael bay film. who has so little self-worth they'd do that? i guess the same people who work with woody allen? except flo. i really think she's a modern feminist - honestly, i love how confident she is. wish i was, but i'm not - don't have the tits or personality!!
love,
m xxx
3 June
Clara
to me
minna mouse!! you know i didn't sign up for anything when we became friends!! and by that i mean that there aren't any RULES, we're just us. you're you and i'm me and that's lovely. exactly how it should be. because i didn't mean "i didn't sign up for anything" like i don't love you...! you know i do. i'm dwelling on words now. you know what i said about speaking and not thinking? you're the best is what i mean to be saying.
have you fallen asleep yet? what time is it there? if... it was 3 here when it was 11 for you... 11 in the morning or at night? i don't know, i can't tell. time differences fuck with my head more than most things. wait, they have an app for this! so it's 13:28 here so it issssss... 21:28 there? and that's fucking 24 hour clock so how am i meant to do anything with that? getting late is what time it is for you. getting late. are you still awake? are you still feeling lousy? i'm around all day if you need me to talk. even if we only talk about all the directors we couldn't work with. because you should always have the most self-worth. you should only work with the best of the best of people. i've just realised i said i'd be here all day but it'll be all night for you. i'll be here for all something. all time. ALL TIME.
3 June
Me
to Clara
aren't timezones bananas?!
you have an entire day to live and i'm only hours from it being tomorrow. i'll write you from the other side x
it got better. i spent some time using that harry potter colouring book you got me as a gag for christmas. coloured two hermione pages: ever wanted to know what you look like with green hair? i can show you.
i'm not really the best at all. sometimes i just look back at things, photographs, emails, work and just think: what the fuck am i doing? the only good choice i have ever really made is you.
i'll facetime you in a minute? i'm going to run a bath and then i want to hear all about the press. i read a review in the news today about me without you and it sounds so perfect!! i am so proud of you for this role. louisa is so much like you, you know. i hope you are happy with the response so far. fingers crossed it smashes the box office!! it will if i have to buy out entire theatres with my amex xxx
3 June
Clara
to me
I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW WHAT I WOULD LOOK LIKE WITH GREEN HAIR. how did you know? i bet i've told you and you subconsciously remembered. hermione had a transfiguration accident.
i know how you feel about choices though, i know that better than people think. i think about that a lot. what the fuck am i doing? what the fuck even happened to me to get me here? but it's one of those thoughts that i keep in my head around most people, especially my parents. even people like dan and rupert who might actually understand wouldn't understand. it's only you i gab away to about whether i would do it all differently.
yesss, i'll be around to ogle at you and tell you all about difficult press tours and convince you not to buy out anything because i think it's going well? i don't know, actually! people don't tell me about reviews anymore, not since last time. or... not last time because it was a few times ago. though they should tell me, i think. they need to prepare me for disney. I WILL MAKE SOMEONE TELL ME HOW IT'S DOING SO I CAN REPORT TO YOU IN A SECOND. I STARTED ON CAPS LOCK SO I'LL END ON IT TOO.
3 June
Me
to Clara
i listen to everything you say. i keep it all in the rolodex of my beautiful brain. you know, last month there was a harry potter quiz at the star of bethnal green and i thought we should enter with false moustaches and lovely trench-coats and then dramatically reveal ourselves, once we've won, to be clara bleeding caverly and her dashing sidekick, that girl from that one film.
you're always going to be different from them, though united because of your experience. you were the only girl in the trio and bonnie didn't have the same pressure you did; the other women your age, at the time, didn't come until later. you were brought up in a chamber, but it made you so wonderful. you are better than you know, brighter than you think, more beautiful than you see and so, oh so loved (by me, by the world).
i can give you a whirlwind tour of disney preparation. don't do drugs. that's all they much care for, so you've a one up there. I AM WAITING FOR THE FULL REPORT SO WE CAN BE EXCITED TOGETHER.
i have so much to tell you. it's been wild. like, listen to the talking heads wild life wild. i've no self-control and am entirely indulgent.
3 June
Clara
to me
whereas i have too much self-control and need to chillax. i can't wait to hear everything, min. i really can't wait. i'll live through you for a while. vicariously, is that the phrase? live vicariously through you? something like that. you know what i mean even if it isn't that.
3 June
Me
to Clara
love you so much. excellent call, you closet burger eater x
